No is perhaps the most important and certainly the most powerful
word in the language. Every day we find ourselves in situations
where we need to say No-to people at work, at home, and in our
communities-because No is the word we must use to protect ourselves
and to stand up for everything and everyone that matters to us.
But as we all know, the wrong No can also destroy what we most
value by alienating and angering people. That's why saying No the
right way is crucial. The secret to saying No without destroying
relationships lies in the art of the Positive No, a proven
technique that anyone can learn.
This indispensable book gives you a simple three-step method for
saying a Positive No. It will show you how to assert and defend
your key interests; how to make your No firm and strong; how to
resist the other side's aggression and manipulation; and how to do
all this while still getting to Yes. In the end, the Positive No
will help you get not just to any Yes but to the right Yes, the one
that truly serves your interests.
Based on William Ury's celebrated Harvard University course for
managers and professionals, The Power of a Positive
No offers concrete advice and practical examples for
saying No in virtually any situation. Whether you need to say No to
your customer or your coworker, your employee or your CEO, your
child or your spouse, you will find in this book the secret to
saying No clearly, respectfully, and effectively.
In today's world of high stress and limitless choices, the pressure
to give in and say Yes grows greater every day, producing overload
and overwork, expanding e-mail and eroding ethics. Never has No
been more needed. A Positive No has the power to profoundly
transform our lives by enabling us to say Yes to what counts-our
own needs, values, and priorities.
Understood this way, No is the new Yes. And the Positive No may be
the most valuable life skill you'll ever learn!
No is perhaps the most important and certainly the most powerful
word in the language. Every day we find ourselves in situations
where we need to say No-to people at work, at home, and in our
communities-because No is the word we must use to protect ourselves
and to stand up for everything and everyone that matters to us.
But as we all know, the wrong No can also destroy what we most
value by alienating and angering people. That's why saying No the
right way is crucial. The secret to saying No without destroying
relationships lies in the art of the Positive No, a proven
technique that anyone can learn.
This indispensable book gives you a simple three-step method for
saying a Positive No. It will show you how to assert and defend
your key interests; how to make your No firm and strong; how to
resist the other side's aggression and manipulation; and how to do
all this while still getting to Yes. In the end, the Positive No
will help you get not just to any Yes but to the right Yes, the one
that truly serves your interests.
Based on William Ury's celebrated Harvard University course for
managers and professionals, The Power of a Positive
No offers concrete advice and practical examples for
saying No in virtually any situation. Whether you need to say No to
your customer or your coworker, your employee or your CEO, your
child or your spouse, you will find in this book the secret to
saying No clearly, respectfully, and effectively.
In today's world of high stress and limitless choices, the pressure
to give in and say Yes grows greater every day, producing overload
and overwork, expanding e-mail and eroding ethics. Never has No
been more needed. A Positive No has the power to profoundly
transform our lives by enabling us to say Yes to what counts-our
own needs, values, and priorities.
Understood this way, No is the new Yes. And the Positive No may be
the most valuable life skill you'll ever learn!
A world-renowned negotiator, mediator, and bestselling author, William Ury directs the Global Negotiation Project at Harvard University. Over the last thirty years he has helped millions of people, hundreds of organizations, and numerous countries at war reach satisfying agreements.
A world-renowned negotiator, mediator, and bestselling author,
William Ury directs the Global Negotiation Project at Harvard
University. Over the last thirty years he has helped millions of
people, hundreds of organizations, and numerous countries at war
reach satisfying agreements.
1. Think of a time when it felt important to say no, whether you
did so to your satisfaction or not. What happened? How did it
affect you?
2. William Ury's introduction begins with the poignant story of
his daughter's illness and the difficulty of navigating the
healthcare system.What makes contemporary healthcare such an
intimidating realm when it comes to negotiation? How could the
Positive No help you transform your physical health?
3. Which of the "Three-A"traps do you encounter most often:
Accommodate, Attack, or Avoid, or a combination of all three? When
have these traps created disharmony or dishonesty in your
community? What is your own tendency and thus your learning edge-do
you tend to accommodate, attack, or avoid, or all three?
4. Ury recommends "going to the balcony" to dispel the anger or
fear that can undermine a negotiation from the start. What
techniques help you "go to the balcony"? What ritual can you create
for yourself to implement this? If you try viewing a current
conflict situation in your life from a balcony perspective, what do
you notice?
5. In uncovering the roots of your fundamental Yes, what
interests, needs, and values are central to you? What will it mean
to say yes to yourself? What principles are you willing to protect
at all costs? Go beyond your first response, asking yourself why
that interest, need, or value matters to you so much.
6. The Power of a Positive No is full of
memorable examples of those who were prepared to say no to a
Goliath, from Rosa Parks (a dedicated civil rights activist) to
corporations such as Snapper, which flourished after refusing to
comply with Wal-Mart's demands for continuous price cuts. Discuss a
point of contention that has been worrying you in recent weeks.
Following Ury's notion of a Plan B, what backup plan could you
create to empower yourself and ensure that your interests are met,
even if a negotiated agreement falls through?
7. Chapter Two ends with three questions to ask yourself before
saying No. What are the best ways to determine whether you have the
interest, the power, and the right to say no? Have you ever had a
visceral sense of your interest, power, and right to say no? When?
What happened?
8. What did the book help you discover about your own No style?
In what circumstances have you found it especially difficult to
feel respect for another person? What are the common ingredients in
the true stories found in this chapter, such as federal prisoner
Troy Chapman's way of communicating "I have no need of an enemy"
when confronting a sidewalk standoff, or the nonviolent resolution
witnessed by aikido student Terry Dobson?
9. Do you or those you know resort to using the subtle "attack"
words described in chapter four? What is the origin of our impulse
to make use of "shoulding," or judgmental statements, or
categorical exaggerations? Try re-phrasing a judgmental statement
in more neutral language.
10. Which of the assertive phrases for saying no in chapter five
will be easiest for you to add to your everyday conversation style?
In what ways can these phrases strengthen relationships that had
previously been damaged by words?
11. How can you ensure that you've applied the distinctions
between warnings and threats in your negotiating style? What is the
best way to detect manipulative threats, guilt-trips, and
slippery-slope predictions in the language of those with whom
you're negotiating?
12. Chapter Nine distinguishes positions from interests, with
ideas for developing an understanding of the motivations behind
someone's claims. What are the interests of some of your rivals?
What interests do you share? What opportunities for collaboration
might exist between you and those who seem to stand in your way
currently? What might their "acceptance speech" look like?
13. Which of the personal stories or quotations was most
memorable for you? In what way can you use that narrative or image
to remind yourself of your own interests, reinforce your courage,
and thus stand up for yourself without damaging the
relationship?
14. Participate in a role-playing exercise with the members of
your group. Choose someone in your life who has been a particularly
hard bargainer (think of Dick Goodwin's challenge with LBJ).
Drawing on Ury's strategies, practice how you will interact with
this difficult person in the future. Make notes of the words that
feel natural yet effective to you. The next time your group meets,
share the results of your real-life Yes! No. Yes?
dialogues. [Below please find a set of instructions for a Positive
No exercise, if you would like to use them]
15. Engage in a visionary discussion regarding the Positive No.
Beginning on a very local level-your close family members, your
team at work, or a community group-envision what daily life would
look like if everyone in that circle practiced these principles.
Next, expand the vision to a broader scope, eventually arriving at
the kinds of geopolitical situations in which Ury has been
involved. What kinds of suffering, waste, and loss could be avoided
through the practice of a Positive No?
16. In what way does The Power of a Positive No
complement and relate to Getting to Yes and Getting
Past No? What are the fundamental messages of the trilogy as a
whole?
17.
DELIVERING A POSITIVE NO
Mutual Consulting Exercise
The exercise will give you an opportunity to work on your
Positive No, to rehearse it in front of others, and to receive
feedback, so you can improve it.
1. Form into groups of three.
2. Write down your Yes No Yes. Take a few minutes
by yourself to write your "Yes! No. Yes?" for your own negotiating
situation:
a. First work on your "Yes!" What do you want to say Yes to? What
are your underlying interests-desires, needs, concerns, values?
What do you stand for? You might begin your sentence with "I stand
for . . .," "I need . . .," or "I want . . ." and then fill in the
blank.
b. Now work on your 'No'. What exactly are you wanting to say No
to? What demand or request do you wish to refuse? What behavior do
you wish to change? You might begin your sentence with, "I say No
to . . . or I choose not to do . . ." and then fill in the blank.
This is your matter-of-fact "No."
c. Now work on your 'Yes?' What, in other words, is your yes-able
proposal? What are you offering or suggesting to the Other? What
would you like them to do? You might begin with your sentence with
"I propose the following: . . ." and then fill in the blank.
3. Rehearse your Positive No in your group of
three. One person recites their "Yes! No. Yes?" to the two
others in their group. The Positive No might take the following
form "Because I stand for X, I say No to Y, and I propose Z."
4. Give feedback. After one person recites their
Positive No, the two others give feedback. Assess whether you
thought the No was too accommodating, too attacking, or too
avoiding, or just right. Then give the person verbal
feedback:
a. Was the "Yes!" strong, clear, powerful?
b. Was the "No." matter-of-fact, clear, strong, without an edge, a
simple pronouncement of a new reality?
c. Was the "Yes?" clear, operational, specific, realistic?
5. Now give them a chance to try again. Give the
person a second chance to try out their Positive No after having
heard your feedback. Again give them feedback. Now give the person
a third chance and give them feedback one last time.
6. Repeat for the second and third persons in the
group. Repeat steps 3, 4, 5, for the other persons in the
group.
7. Discuss any general lessons in the group of
three. First take a minute to edit your Positive No in the
light of the feedback you received. Then discuss with your two
colleagues:
a. What is difficult for you about delivering a Positive No?
b. What works? What helps you in saying a Positive No?
c. Any surprises or reflections?
Author of the reissued powerhouse "Getting Past No," Ury gives readers the life skills to successfully assert themselves. He explains that when used correctly, this one simple word--No--can profoundly transform lives for the better.
