Format: Trade Paperback
Dimensions: 320 pages, 8.44 × 5.5 × 0.8 in
Published: July 5, 2011
Publisher: Atria Books
The following ISBNs are associated with this title:
ISBN - 10: 1439177791
ISBN - 13: 9781439177792
About the Book
In this searing, unflinchingly honest book, de Rossi captures the complex emotional truth of what it is like when food, weight, and body image take priority over every other human impulse or action.
Read from the Book
PROLOGUE HE DOESN’T WAIT until I’m awake. He comes into my unconscious to find me, to pull me out. He seizes my logical mind and disables it with fear. I awake already panic-stricken, afraid I won’t answer the voice correctly, the loud, clear voice that reverberates in my head like an alarm that can’t be turned off. What did you eat last night? Since we first met when I was twelve he’s been with me, at me, barking orders. A drill sergeant of a voice that is pushing me forward, marching ahead, keeping time. When the voice isn’t giving orders, it’s counting. Like a metronome, it is predictable. I can hear the tick of another missed beat and in the silence between beats I anxiously await the next tick; like the constant noise of an intermittently dripping faucet, it keeps counting in the silences when I want to be still. It tells me to never miss a beat. It tells me that I will get fat again if I do. The voice and the ticks are always very loud in the darkness of the early morning. The silences that I can’t fill with answers are even louder. God, what did I eat? Why can’t I remember? I breathe deeply in an attempt to calm my heartbeat back to its resting pulse. As I do, my nostrils are filled with stale cigarette smoke that hung around from the night before like a party guest who’d passed out on the living room sofa after everybody else went home. The digital clock reads 4:06, nine minutes before my alarm was set to wak
From the Publisher
Now in paperback, the New York Times bestselling memoir
from Portia de Rossi explores the truth of her long battle to
overcome anorexia and bulimia-"an unusually fresh and engrossing
memoir of both Hollywood and modern womanhood" ( Los Angeles
Times, 5 stars).
In this groundbreaking memoir, Portia de Rossi reveals the pain and
illness that haunted her for decades, from the time she was a
twelve-year-old girl working as a model in Australia, through her
early rise to fame as a cast member of the hit television show
Ally McBeal . All the while terrified that the truth of
her sexuality would be exposed in the tabloids, Portia alternately
starved herself and binged, putting her life in danger and
concealing from herself and everyone around her the seriousness of
She describes the elaborate rituals around food that came to
dominate hours of every day and explores the pivotal moments of her
childhood that set her on the road to illness. She reveals the
heartache and fear that accompany a life lived in the closet, a
sense of isolation that was only magnified by her unrelenting
desire to be ever thinner, ever more in control of her body and the
number of calories she consumed and spent.
From her lowest point, Portia began the painful climb back to a
life of health and honesty, falling in love and marrying Ellen
DeGeneres and emerging as an outspoken and articulate advocate for
gay rights and women's health issues. In this remarkable and
landmark book, she has given the world a story that inspires hope
and nourishes the spirit.
"Quite possibly the best book on the subject ever written…. It will
serve as life-changing inspiration for many."