Audio Book (CD)
5.75 × 5.12 × 1 in
April 22, 2008
Simon & Schuster Audio
The following ISBNs are associated with this title:
ISBN - 10: 0743573641
ISBN - 13: 9780743573641
About the Book
Stand-up comedian Handler recalls the most noteworthy highs and lows of her life to date--including her efforts to diversify by dating red-haired men, her obsession with midgets, and the dog-sitting interlude in which her boyfriend became overly familiar with a Peekapoo. Unabridged. 5 CDs.
Read from the Book
CHAPTER ONE Blacklisted I was nine years old and walking myself to school one morning when I heard the unfamiliar sound of a prepubescent boy calling my name. I had heard my name spoken out loud by males before, but it was most often by one of my brothers, my father, or a teacher, and it was usually followed up with a shot to the side of the head. I turned around and spotted Jason Safirstein. Jason was an adorable fifth-grader with an amazing lower body who lived down the street from me. I had never walked to school, had a conversation with, or even so much as made eye contact with Jason before. After lifting up one of my earmuffs to make sure I had heard him correctly, I nervously attempted to release my wedgie while waiting for him to catch up. (A futile effort, as it turned out, when wearing two mittens the size of car batteries.) "I heard you were going to be in a movie with Goldie Hawn," he said to me, out of breath. Shit. I had worried something like this was going to happen. The day before, I had forgotten my language arts homework, and when the teacher singled me out in front of the entire class to find out where it was, I told her that I had been in three straight nights of meetings with Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, negotiating my contract to play Goldie Hawn's daughter in the sequel to Private Benjamin. The fact that no sequel to Private Benjamin was in the works, or that a third-grader wouldn't be negotiating her own contract with the star of the mo
Table of Contents
CHAPTER ONE: Blacklisted
CHAPTER TWO: Chelsea in Charge
CHAPTER THREE: Prison Break
CHAPTER FOUR: Bladder Stones
CHAPTER FIVE: Big Red
CHAPTER SIX: Dining in the Dark
CHAPTER SEVEN: Dim Sum and Then Some
CHAPTER EIGHT: Barking up the Wrong Tree
CHAPTER NINE: Re-Gift
CHAPTER TEN: Jumped
CHAPTER ELEVEN: Mini-Me
CHAPTER TWELVE: Costa Rica
From the Publisher
THE EAGERLY AWAITED COLLECTION OF PERSONAL ESSAYS FROM THE BESTSELLING AUTHOR OF MY HORIZONTAL LIFE
When Chelsea Handler needs to get a few things off her chest, she appeals to a higher power -- vodka. You would too if you found out that your boyfriend was having an affair with a Peekapoo or if you had to pretend to be honeymooning with your father in order to upgrade to first class. Welcome to Chelsea's world -- a place where absurdity reigns supreme and a quick wit is the best line of defense.
In this hilarious, deliciously skewed collection, Chelsea mines her past for stories about her family, relationships, and career that are at once singular and ridiculous. Whether she's convincing her third-grade class that she has been tapped to play Goldie Hawn's daughter in the sequel to Private Benjamin, deciding to be more egalitarian by dating a redhead, or looking out for a foulmouthed, rum-swilling little person who looks just like her...only smaller, Chelsea has a knack for getting herself into the most outrageous situations. Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea showcases the candor and irresistible turns of phrase that have made her one of the freshest voices in comedy today.
About the Author
Chelsea Jane Handler was born in Livingston, New Jersey on February 25, 1975. She has performed across the country as a stand-up comedian with much of her work appearing on television. Handler's acting experience includes appearing as a regular on the Oxygen Network series Girls Behaving Badly and also on Weekends at the D.L., The Bernie Mac Show and The Practice. She began starring in her own late-night E! comedy series Chelsea Lately in July 2007. Handler has written two New York Times bestselling books: My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands and Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea.
"Chelsea Handler is a terrific comedian and a hilarious writer."
-- Jay Leno