Don't Lick the Minivan: And Other Things I Never Thought I'd Say to My Kids

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Don't Lick the Minivan: And Other Things I Never Thought I'd Say to My Kids

by Leanne Shirtliffe

Skyhorse Publishing Inc. | May 22, 2013 | Hardcover

Don't Lick the Minivan: And Other Things I Never Thought I'd Say to My Kids is rated 5 out of 5 by 7.
As a woman used to traveling and living the high life in Bangkok, Leanne Shirtliffe recognized the constant fodder for humor while pregnant with twins in Asia's sin city. But in spite of deep-fried bug cuisine and nurses who cover newborn bassinets with plastic wrap, Shirtliffe manages to keep her babies alive for a year with help from a Coca-Cola deliveryman, several waitresses, and a bra factory. Then she and her husband return home to the isolation of North American suburbia.

In Don't Lick the Minivan, Shirtliffe captures the bizarre aspects of parenting in her edgy, honest voice. She explores the hazards of everyday life with children such as:

  • The birthday party where neighborhood kids took home skin rashes from the second-hand face paint she applied.
  • The time she discovered her twins carving their names into her minivan's paint with rocks.
  • The funeral she officiated for "Stripper Barbie."
  • The horror of glitter.
  • And much more!

A delayed encounter with postpartum depression helps Shirtliffe to realize that even if she can't teach her kids how to tie their shoelaces, she's a good enough mom. At least good enough to start saving for her twins' therapy fund. And possibly her own. Crisply written, Don't Lick the Minivan will have parents laughing out loud and nodding in agreement. Shirtliffe's memoir might not replace a therapist, but it is a lot cheaper.

Format: Hardcover

Dimensions: 304 pages, 9 × 6 × 6.4 in

Published: May 22, 2013

Publisher: Skyhorse Publishing Inc.

Language: English

The following ISBNs are associated with this title:

ISBN - 10: 1620875268

ISBN - 13: 9781620875261

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Reviews

Rated 5 out of 5 by from A MUST-READ for Parents everywhere! Ok - first things first...Leanne Shirtliffe has saved me the trouble of writing my own book on the experience of raising twins...because she raised the exact same ones. Either that or I think our parenting strategies are so remarkably similar that we might be living parallel lives. For example: No blood, no band aid (yep - this is our rule too) Snowsuits and tutus as Halloween costumes (enter our "Canadian Fairie" costumes of last year) Don't drink the bathwater - that's bum water (Well, I say poo water...but close enough) In the book, Shirtliffe recounts the tale of her twins journey to school-age. Her descriptions of delivering twins in a Thai hospital and taking their first trans-pacific journey to visit family back home and describing the unique ways her twins contributed to their upbringing had me in tears from laughing so hard. Especially poignant are the gems that spewed from her mouth (like the title of the book)...so often we focus on the "Kids say the darndest things" angle that we forget that new parents have a few of their own to share. Scattered through the book, are Shirtliffe's "Parenting Tips" - ranging from: "Strive to remember the name of your baby. Write it on your hand if you have to. Remembering your spouse's name is optional." to "Putting yourself on time-out is brilliant. Shackling yourself to the liquor cabinet is extra brilliant" Her insights are brilliant and I thoroughly enjoyed reading every word - even the "Sappy Files" which were letters penned to her children at various stages in their lives for use as therapy fodder. she was also able to put to words so many of the things I noticed but would find myself tongue-tied to explain, like: "A ten-month-old baby is mobile; ten-month-old twins are a roaming gang. One moment they're there, the next they're gone. It's a magic show brought to you by Pampers." "There were enough Cheerios under the table to drive up the price of oats" This book kept me laughing and nodding familiarly with almost everything she wrote. It was captured so exactly - every hilarious detail. I began to think less of my kids as being oddities of nurture and instead I started to see them as being just plain ol' common twins. I often found myself flipping back a few pages so I could read it aloud to Hubby...or bursting out laughing so hard it shook the bed, which ended up earning me the privilege of not being allowed to read the book in bed anymore. Don't Lick the Minivan: And Other Things I Never Thought I'd Say to My Kids is probably one of the best parenting guides out there. It proves you don't need a doctor-proven method to raise your kids...you just need to do it. I think it almost goes without saying that I highly recommend this book. So go buy it. Support a local author and give yourself a hilarious treat that will help you see that you aren't failing at being a parent...you just aren't looking at it the right way! (originally posted on my blog http://www.readwriterunmom.com)
Date published: 2013-07-19
Rated 5 out of 5 by from The type of parenting book all parents/expectant parents should read A truly beautiful mix of laughter and love This is the kind of parent I want to hang with. She obviously loves her children beyond reason, but is frank about how hard and boring it is at times. Even the more Sappy (her word, not mine) passages are fabulous. Real, sweet, yet never ever what I would consider sappy Yup this one made the JR Staff Pick - it is my duty to help out those new parents who want to buy What to Expect When You're Expecting - and get them to buy something more practical (trust me just get those parenting books that help you with the medical stuff and than just buy parenting books like this that make you laugh - that will help you more. Trust your instincts people, love your child and believe in yourself - that makes all the difference) Oh yeah and don't do everything for them, they need to learn to do things themselves (When I worked in a college library I saw what happens when mom and dad did everything for them -- they have no idea how to survive) She understands what its like to be a parent after "working for a living" Impressed with the fact that she breastfed even though she had Mastitis - I totally feel like a wimp now LOL! Loved all her stories about living in Thailand Really respected her decision to mention she had postpartum depression but doesn't go into detail. As some of you know I suffered the same fate and don't want to burden or remember that horrible darkness but I too am not ashamed Halloween Candy - yup we are simpatico on this one and the Santa Clause as discipline routine Makes you feel like you are not alone - and if you are a parent, you know how important this is The Not So Good Stuff She made me snort with laughter on Calgary Transit and people stared (Yup not in TTC territory anymore where people are used to weirdos laughing out loud in public and they don't stare at you Favorite Quotes/Passages " Parenting Tip: Keep your household well stocked with these items essential to newborns: diapers, wipes, alcohol, alcohol, and alcohol" "Being parents, we boarded early so we could keep our babies cooped up in an enclosed space even longer. As we sat on the tarmac, we watched innocent passengers struggle down the aisle to our row, recheck their boarding passes in disbelief, and wonder what they did to get such bad karma." "Parenting Tip: When you ask your children a question, the reply "nothing" means they're guilty. Either investigate or hide." "I smiled, wondering how many times Canada's Prime Minister had been compared to a Ken doll." Who Should/Shouldn't Read Fans of Kathy Buckworth will eat this up Every parent or expectant parent should read this - this is real folks, not those holier than thou textbook parenting books that make you feel like you are the worst parent in the world (BTW that I also totally threw out 6 months into my first child's life) 4.75 Dewey's I purchased a copy of this because I met the author and after talking to her figured anything she wrote would appeal to me - yup right again
Date published: 2013-06-20
Rated 5 out of 5 by from Hilarious and Honest "Don't Lick the Minivan" is the antidote to all the overbearing parenting books being published right now. Instead of prescriptive chapters about exactly how to parent, I got a book about a mom who raises her kids with the occasional bribe, some laziness, lots of love, and a great sense of humour. She's a NORMAL mom, but way funnier! Anyone with kids will see themselves and their children in Leeanne's hilarious stories about parenthood. Highly recommended!
Date published: 2013-06-10
Rated 5 out of 5 by from More than just a funny book I wasn't surprised that Don't Lick The Minivan made me laugh. And it did. But it also made me tear up in several places too. Every parent will identify and laugh along with Leanne as she describes the ups and downs of raising twins. A perfect book for a busy mom looking for a laugh.
Date published: 2013-06-03
Rated 5 out of 5 by from Hilarious and Honest Don't Lick the MInivan is one of those books that is both laugh out loud funny, and touchingly poignant. I so enjoyed the honest, humorous account of pregnancy, child birth and parenting, made even more interesting when you throw in cultural differences, twin diaper changes and postpartum depression. I really loved this book, so put the kids to bed, put your feet up, and try not to wake them with your laughter.
Date published: 2013-05-24
Rated 5 out of 5 by from Fantastic and Funny! Don’t Lick the Minivan is clever, well-written and the kind of book any parent can relate to, regardless of how many kids you have. Leanne Shirtliffe's tale of pregnancy and all the worries and woes that go along with it, seem heightened in a land far away, and the fact that she was carrying multiples. The time and place don’t matter though, as all pregnant women worry about the same type of things. Leanne just had the nerve to write them down! We get to go along for the ride of the birth of her twins, surviving the humidity of Thailand her journey back to surviving Canadian winters and more. I laughed out loud many times. It is her story of the strange and crazy things that kids do. Her honest perspective on parenting leaves you feeling like you’re not alone. As parents, I think we all have fear that we are raising monsters and have anxiety of the germs that can attack said monsters at any time. But it is the realization that the solid foundation of love and family really do mean everything. Throw in a set of rambunctious twins and a minivan, and it’s a recipe for a great book! A definite read for parents to kids of any age!
Date published: 2013-05-14
Rated 5 out of 5 by from Laugh Out Loud Funny In a world where books are your ticket to unseen lands and a chance to read other peoples minds, meeting an author is kind of like meeting a rock star. Leanne Shirtcliffe is a fellow mom to twins, whose whitty humor will have you laughing about things you never found the humor in before. Like your kids scratching their names into your car doors. Not a funny moment. And yet, as Leanne shares it, you find yourself hoping not to pee your pants as you laugh at her take on things. The one-liners are my favorite part. Evidently the pinnacle of a five-year-old’s nightmares is a cross between sibling rivalry and dishonesty. Peeing in your sister’s bike helmet is not a good idea. Jesus tastes yummy Snow may be the best free toy ever, but if you’re a parent, it’s the devil incarnate If you want to know the story behind these lines you will have to read the book. You too can be in on the "you had to be there" moments. For more details, pictures, and an interview with the author, check out my blog post at http://brooklynberrydesigns.com/dont-lick-the-minivan/
Date published: 2013-05-13

– More About This Product –

Don't Lick the Minivan: And Other Things I Never Thought I'd Say to My Kids

Don't Lick the Minivan: And Other Things I Never Thought I'd Say to My Kids

by Leanne Shirtliffe

Format: Hardcover

Dimensions: 304 pages, 9 × 6 × 6.4 in

Published: May 22, 2013

Publisher: Skyhorse Publishing Inc.

Language: English

The following ISBNs are associated with this title:

ISBN - 10: 1620875268

ISBN - 13: 9781620875261

From the Publisher

As a woman used to traveling and living the high life in Bangkok, Leanne Shirtliffe recognized the constant fodder for humor while pregnant with twins in Asia's sin city. But in spite of deep-fried bug cuisine and nurses who cover newborn bassinets with plastic wrap, Shirtliffe manages to keep her babies alive for a year with help from a Coca-Cola deliveryman, several waitresses, and a bra factory. Then she and her husband return home to the isolation of North American suburbia.

In Don't Lick the Minivan, Shirtliffe captures the bizarre aspects of parenting in her edgy, honest voice. She explores the hazards of everyday life with children such as:

  • The birthday party where neighborhood kids took home skin rashes from the second-hand face paint she applied.
  • The time she discovered her twins carving their names into her minivan's paint with rocks.
  • The funeral she officiated for "Stripper Barbie."
  • The horror of glitter.
  • And much more!

A delayed encounter with postpartum depression helps Shirtliffe to realize that even if she can't teach her kids how to tie their shoelaces, she's a good enough mom. At least good enough to start saving for her twins' therapy fund. And possibly her own. Crisply written, Don't Lick the Minivan will have parents laughing out loud and nodding in agreement. Shirtliffe's memoir might not replace a therapist, but it is a lot cheaper.

About the Author

Leanne Shirtliffe is an award-winning humor blogger. She writes funny stuff for theHuffington Post, Nickelodeon's NickMom.com, and theCalgary Herald. When she's not stopping her twins from licking frozen flagpoles, she teaches English to teenagers who are slightly less hormonal than she is.