I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better: Six Practical Principles That Empower Others To Solve Their Own Problems While Enriching Your Relat by Gary LundbergI Don't Have To Make Everything All Better: Six Practical Principles That Empower Others To Solve Their Own Problems While Enriching Your Relat by Gary Lundberg

I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better: Six Practical Principles That Empower Others To Solve…

byGary Lundberg, Joy Lundberg

Paperback | May 15, 2000

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about

In their weekly radio show and in their popular workshops, Gary and Joy Lundberg have already helped thousands of people and their families to communicate more effectively. Now, the Lundbergs address an all too common dilemma that arises when others expect you to solve their problems for them, showing readers how they can shed the no-win role of "fixer" and empower people to solve their own problems through validation--a simple yet profound communication tool that is essential to any healthy relationship. Refreshingly straightforward, this inspiring and entertaining work is poised to become a classic guide for anyone who wishes to improve relationships with their partner, children, colleagues and friends.
Gary Lundberg is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice. Together with his wife, writer, speaker, lyricist and poet Joy Saunders Lundberg, they co-host a weekly radio show on relationships (Morning with the Lundbergs) and present seminars and workshops around the country. They are the parents of five children.Joy ...
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Title:I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better: Six Practical Principles That Empower Others To Solve…Format:PaperbackDimensions:336 pages, 7.7 × 5.1 × 0.6 inPublished:May 15, 2000Publisher:Penguin Publishing GroupLanguage:English

The following ISBNs are associated with this title:

ISBN - 10:0140286438

ISBN - 13:9780140286434

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Reviews

Rated 4 out of 5 by from Validation: not for wimps When I first read the word "validation" early in the book, I thought, "Oh great. Another self-help book that tells me to just let things happen as they will." Now that I'm almost done I understand that I had the wrong idea of the concept. It's not just parroting back what the other person is saying, but rather acknowledging the other person's feelings; showing empathy for them in their particular situation. Sometimes when someone makes a statement they aren't looking for answers, they just want to start a conversation. I was reminded of one incident where my teenage cousin was overworked about some outfit she was wearing, and I told her to stop whining because her problems weren't all that big a deal compared to the real issues of life. She lashed back, "well, they're a big deal to ME." Had I thought to understand that her feelings were okay, she would have eventually come to the conclusion that in the grand scheme of things, the issue wasn't that big of a deal. Instead, I only created an argument. Score one for the logical brain. To anyone who reads the above and says, "why waste your time making people feel good?" I answer with this: relationships are easier to manage when conflict occurs between ideas and not the people themselves. Also, people don't consider outside advice to be sacred, but would rather be led along a process where they discover the solutions themselves. In doing so they grow faster and healthier. This book is written collaboratively by Gary with his wife Joy Saunders Lundberg.
Date published: 2006-10-30

Table of Contents

Chapter Two: Principle 2 - Leave the Responsibility Where It Belongs
The Underlying Principle
Power and Desire
Offering Help
Making Decisions for Others
Responsibility for the Problem
If I Offer Help Am I Stuck?

Chapter Three: Principle 3 - Acknowledge Emotions
The Four Basic Emotions
Emotions Can Affect Our Physical Well-Being
Unintentional Teaching
So What Can We Do?
The Rules of Validation
To Argue or Not to Argue; That Is the Question
Get Out Of Yourself for a While
It Takes so Little Time
Begin Today

Chapter Four: Principle 4 - Develop the Art of Listening
Listening Is an Art
Listen for Information
Relief for the Listener
The Art of Questioning
Operative Words
The Great Invalidator
The Eyes Give Clues
Begin Today

Chapter Five: Principle 5 - Find the Right Time to Teach
When Does Learning Occur?
Why Not the Heat of the Moment?
Not All Questions Need Immediate Answers
The Time to Follow Up
Planned Teaching Times
Make It Happen
Begin Today

Chapter Six: Principle 6 - Learn the Effective Validating Phrases and Questions
Validating Phrases
Validating Questions
Begin Today

Part Two: The Application

Chapter Seven - How Validation Works with Young Children
Begin with Your Baby
Let Them Feel What They Are Feeling
Give Them a Chance to Solve the Problem
Try Their Point of View
Hold On to Your Boundaries
Eye to Eye Contact
Put Yourself in Their Shoes
Resist Resolving
When Illness Strikes
The Universal Need
Begin Today

Chapter Eight: How Validation Works with Teenagers
It's Never Too Late
Help Them to Start Talking
Reinforce Values
Believe in Them
Discipline with Validation
Control Yourself
Silence Can Be Validating
They Can Make Wise Choices
Begin Today

Chapter Nine: How Validation Works with Adult Children
We Cannot Control Them
Don't Allow Them to Control You
Give Up Giving Advice
When They Blame You
Boomerang Children
When Their Lifestyles Don't Match Yours
The Universal Need
Begin Today

Chapter Ten: How Validation Works with a Spouse
What Gets in the Way?
What to Do About a No Good, Very Bad Day
Handling Disappointment
Stop Defending Your Position
Do It Over
The Male and Female Difference
Setting Family Values
Enjoy Each Other's Dreams
Plan Times Together
Sense Each Other's Needs
Begin Today

Chapter Eleven: How Validation Works with Parents and Parents-in-Law
Let Them Have Their Feelings
Don't Try to Change Their Thinking
Love, Honor, and Set Your Boundaries
Dealing with Death
Handling Abusive Behavior
When Senility Sets In
It's What We All Need
Begin Today

Chapter Twelve: How Validation Works with Divorced and Blended Families
Recognizing the Myths
You Are Newlyweds
The Parenting Challenge
Dealing with the Loneliness
Communicating with Your Ex
Answering the Questions
The Need for Boundaries
You Are Not My Dad (Mom)
Setting the Rules in a Blended Family
Unfulfilled Promises
The More People Who Love
Begin Today

Chapter Thirteen: How Validation Works with Friends
We All Need a Friend
Don't Tell a Friend What to Do
Setting Boundaries with Friends
When a Friend Loses a Loved One
Let Them Enjoy a Minicatharsis
Begin Today

Chapter Fourteen: How Validation Works on the Job
Customer Relations
Not All Needs Can Be Met
Caring Is the Key
Watch for Examples
The Validating Teacher
Validation - A Life Saver
Believe in Your Employees
Begin Today

Conclusion
Do It!
A Song to Lean On
Let Me Be That Someone (Lyrics)

Part Three: The Workbook

Personal Exercises in the Application of the Six Principles

Notes

From Our Editors

By amalgamating a psychotherapist’s clinical expertise with anecdotes and case studies, this guide presents six principles for bettering relationships. I don’t Have To Make Everything All Better: Six Practical Principles That Empower Others To Solve Their Own Problems While Enriching Your Relationships by Gary B. Lundberg and Joy Saunders Lundberg discusses principles of validation with spouses, friends, family and stepfamily, whether on the job, at home or anywhere. Inspirational and timeless, this indispensable audio guide is destined to become a classic.