The Art Of People: 11 Simple People Skills That Will Get You Everything You Want by Dave KerpenThe Art Of People: 11 Simple People Skills That Will Get You Everything You Want by Dave Kerpen

The Art Of People: 11 Simple People Skills That Will Get You Everything You Want

byDave Kerpen

Hardcover | March 15, 2016

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What does it take to win success and influence?

Some people think that in today’s hyper-competitive world, it’s the tough, take-no-prisoners type who comes out on top. But in reality, argues New York Times bestselling author Dave Kerpen, it’s actually those with the best people skills who win the day. Those who build the right relationships. Those who truly understand and connect with their colleagues, their customers, their partners. Those who can teach, lead, and inspire.
 
In a world where we are constantly connected, and social media has become the primary way we communicate, the key to getting ahead is being the person others like, respect, and trust. Because no matter who you are or what profession you're in, success is contingent less on what you can do for yourself, but on what other people are willing to do for you. Here, through 53 bite-sized, easy-to-execute, and often counterintuitive tips, you’ll learn to master the 11 People Skills that will get you more of what you want at work, at home, and in life. For example, you’ll learn:
 
·  The single most important question you can ever ask to win attention in a meeting
·  The one simple key to networking that nobody talks about
·  How to remain top of mind for thousands of people, everyday
·  Why it usually pays to be the one to give the bad news
·  How to blow off the right people
·  And why, when in doubt, buy him a Bonsai
 
A book best described as “How to Win Friends and Influence People for today’s world,” The Art of People shows how to charm and win over anyone to be more successful at work and outside of it.
DAVE KERPEN is an entrepreneur, speaker, bestselling author. He is the founder and CEO of Likeable Local, a social media software company, and the chairman and cofounder of Likeable Media, an award-winning content marketing firm for brands. He is among the most popular writers in LinkedIn's Influencer program, one of the most-read cont...
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Title:The Art Of People: 11 Simple People Skills That Will Get You Everything You WantFormat:HardcoverDimensions:288 pages, 9.4 × 6.3 × 0.9 inPublished:March 15, 2016Publisher:The Crown Publishing GroupLanguage:English

The following ISBNs are associated with this title:

ISBN - 10:0553419404

ISBN - 13:9780553419405

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1Understanding Yourself and Understanding People1. Myers-Briggs Means Nothing; This Means EverythingUgh, I thought. Another touchy-feely personality activity.I was on a retreat at the Canyon Ranch resort in Miami with fellow forum members from the Entrepreneurs' Organization, a global network of CEOs that includes some of my best friends in the world. Normally, I'd be having the time of my life at such a retreat, but for me, a Type A personality who's always on the move and never likes to stop, at this time in this particular location I was struggling to stay engaged. Relax is not a word I'd ever liked, and after two rounds of yoga and meditation, the last thing I wanted to do was sit through four hours of a personality assessment I had never heard of.But I braced myself and forced myself to keep an open mind and a positive attitude about the experience. I'm glad I did, because the four hours that followed changed my life and the way I communicate with others and understand myself forever."This is the Enneagram," our psychologist instructor, Brad Kerschensteiner, informed the eight of us. "While much less famous than the Myers-Briggs or DISC assessment, it's actually far more reliable than those two or any other personality assessment for that matter, and its wisdom has been used and passed on over centuries."Now I was intrigued and paying attention. Over the four hours that followed, I picked up a wealth of information about myself and how people can best communicate with me. Moreover, I learned about the nine major motivators for people and how we can best communicate with all people on the basis of their Enneagram types, 1 through 9. As Brad assessed all eight of us and talked to us about our Enneagram types and the communication implications for each one, I was blown away by how accurate it all was. It was like he was reading my mind!Self-awareness is the fundamental building block of the art of people. You can't understand and influence others until you fully understand yourself at a deep level.In the year that followed, I became increasingly fluent with the Enneagram and its power in helping us understand ourselves as well as others. I administered the Enneagram to my management team, then to my whole staff, and then to my wife's company's whole team as well. I read whole books on the subject. I became totally engrossed with the value of the Enneagram for self-awareness. I also realized the following:Self-awareness is the fundamental building block of the art of people. You can't understand and influence others until you fully understand yourself at a deep level.Of course, like any personality assessment, the Enneagram isn't perfect. Any system that classifies people into only nine categories obviously has its limitations. Yet research has shown time and time again that the Myers-Briggs assessment, the most popular personality assessment, is highly flawed and unreliable over time. Take it twice and you'll probably get a different result than you got six months earlier. The results of the Enneagram, in contrast, don't change over time; they give you a sense of what motivates you most, what to look out for as potential detractors, and how people can best communicate with you, and those things are remarkably stable over time.Before you read any further, turn to Appendix A and take the Enneagram assessment cowritten by Mario Sikora if you haven't already. An internationally recognized speaker and author, Mario is the coauthor of Awareness to Action: The Enneagram, Emotional Intelligence, and Change and the author of many articles on personality styles and leadership, performance improvement, and team building. Mario says, "The Enneagram is a great tool to better understand yourself, which in turn can help you take smarter action."Once you have your score, look at the chart summarizing the nine major Enneagram types, their associated strengths, and the potential pitfalls to look out for. How well these elements resonate with you probably depends on how high your raw numerical score was for your type on the quiz.For example, I am a strong Enneagram type 3, striving to be outstanding. One of my common pitfalls has been the "I'll Do It" syndrome, or saying yes to every offer, opportunity, and request I get, thinking that the more I accomplish--the more interviews I do, the more projects I agree to, and the more clients I take on--the more outstanding I'll be. This makes me sound like a real go-getter, but it became a real problem earlier in my career as I was stretched too thin and became worn out to the point where even my family life suffered. That is, it was a problem until I changed the script in my head according to my Enneagram assessment. If I said yes to fewer things, I realized, I could be more outstanding in the things I said yes to. It wasn't easy (fellow Threes out there can sympathize with me, I'm sure), but now I am able to say no to opportunities to speak or do interviews so that I can be more outstanding at other things. I rewrote the script once I understood what really motivates me, and you can do the same thing.What are your pitfalls based on your Enneagram type? Choose the one that resonates most with you and keep it in mind as you read this book. By the end, I guarantee you'll have a better understanding of how to rewrite the script in light of all you've learned about how you communicate with others and how others communicate with you.Now that you have a better understanding of yourself from the Enneagram, including your strengths and weaknesses in communication, it's time to take one more quiz: the PeopleStrengths quiz. We developed this assessment to help you understand, among the eleven essential people skills you'll learn in these pages, where your top strengths lie and where you may need more help. Take this now online at ArtofPeopleQuiz.com. So are you a People-Pleaser? A People-Leader? A People-Guru? Or a People-Persuader? Whichever category you're in, we all know we have lots of room for improvement when it comes to dealing with and influencing people. The great news is that you've already begun the improvement process by getting to know yourself a little better than you did before you picked up this book.Of course, there are hundreds of other assessments you can take to understand yourself and your strengths and weaknesses. I happen to be a huge fan of the Enneagram because it's time-tested, simple, and reliable, and of the People Strengths Quiz because, well, I wrote it. But of course, whatever your particular assessment is, the important takeaway is this:The first step in learning how to better influence others to get what you want in your career and in life is to understand yourself.The better you understand yourself--your unconscious motivations, what gets you up and what gets you down, what makes you tick, and how you best interact with others--the better off you'll be at understanding other people and getting them to do things for you.FAST First Action Steps to Take:1. Complete the Enneagram quiz in Appendix A if you haven't already done that.2. Write down three people-related weaknesses you want to work on. Write down a solution for each one in light of your core Enneagram assessment.3. Write down your greatest strength. How can you improve on it as you read this book?2. How to "Get" Anyone (Even If You Don't Like Him)I just don't get him," I muttered to myself after hanging up the phone. I had just finished a phone call with the senior person at a company that was an important business partner of ours, and I felt frustrated, angry, and confused. We had been struggling to get this business partnership off the ground for months, and I believed I had key insights into understanding why and helping rectify the problem. But John (as we'll call him) just didn't want to listen to me or cooperate or be helpful in any way.John was mean and grumpy, and I just didn't get him. He seemed to have a huge chip on his shoulder, was angry at the world, and was determined to plow down anyone who stood in his way. He seemed a lot like the hard-driving, take-no-prisoners self-promoter I described in Chapter 1, good at making orders but not good at making relationships. In several face-to-face meetings I had never once seen him even hint at a smile.The first step in influencing people is understanding them, and I simply didn't understand John. I had tried for months to connect with him, but to no avail. How could I work effectively with someone I didn't like? How could I work with someone I didn't even understand?Feeling utterly defeated, I approached my wife, Carrie, with the problem: "I just don't get this man, Carrie. What can I do?"Carrie, the person who gets people better than anyone I've ever met, replied right away: "If you say you don't get him, you'll definitely never get him."We all have people we don't get at first or maybe ever. Everyone's different, and sometimes it's hard to understand people who are very different from ourselves. Many times that may be okay because you may not need to interact with some person you don't get, but often it does matter. If you're ever going to want or need to have a meaningful or productive interaction with someone, whether it's a colleague at work, a client of your business, or a cousin at family gatherings, it pays to figure out a way to get that person.Step 1, as Carrie shared with me, is to refuse to believe that you can't. No matter how different a person is, no matter how you may feel when you're around her, no matter what her actions are, you have to believe that with some effort you will be able to understand her.Self-determination is a powerful force, and once you refuse to say "I don't get him," you'll be better off. But that alone isn't enough."Take him out for coffee," Carrie suggested about John, the man I was now determined to get."But I absolutely loathe him," I replied, cringing at the thought."See it as an experiment, then," Carrie said. "An experiment to see if you can understand someone very different from you. Ask questions, then shut up and listen."As much as I protested, Carrie's advice, as usual, turned out to be spot-on. Two weeks and one coffee later, I got John. I still didn't like him very much, but after sitting down with him for coffee outside the office and getting the opportunity to talk (and listen) face-to-face for just thirty minutes, I really did feel that I understood where John was coming from. As it turns out, John had had a tough stretch of several years as a child with just one parent, and it seemed that somewhere along the way he had decided to become fiercely independent. John was unmistakably an Enneagram type 8--driven to be powerful--and sometimes that drive for independence could make him abrasive and standoffish and generally tough to be around.John's behaviors didn't change as a result of our meeting, of course, but just a little bit of understanding made a big difference in my future interactions with him. Over the weeks that followed, our conversations got more congenial, and we actually made some progress toward driving the mutual business results we were both looking for. He even cracked a smile at one face-to-face meeting a few months later. I ended up getting most of what I wanted out of the business dealings and the relationship.I never would have had that opportunity, though, if I had resigned myself to the fact that I didn't get John and left it at that. Who do you work with whom you just don't get? Who do you come into contact with on a regular basis whom you can't seem to understand no matter how much you scratch your head?The first step is to insist that you can get that person. The next step is to invest fifteen minutes and five dollars in having a cup of coffee with that person.You may not walk away understanding the person completely or even liking him any better. But you'll have a fighting chance to build a more productive and beneficial relationship from then on.John, wherever you are today, I hope you're still enjoying your coffee black and occasionally cracking a smile.FAST First Action Steps to Take:1. Write down the names of three people in your life whom you're struggling to get.2. Commit to asking one to have coffee with you after you finish this chapter.3. Walk into the coffee meeting determined to get this person (even if you still don't like her).3. How to Understand Someone Better Than You Do Your Friends (in Just Three Minutes)Now you're going to get to know the person next to you better than you know many of your friends, in just three minutes with just three questions!" said the tall, enthusiastic speaker on stage in front of 1,200 people.I sat in the front row, excited but dubious about the claim that Larry Benet had just made at the Social Media Marketing World conference in spring 2013. Larry is a man on a networking mission. Often referred to as one of the "Most Connected People on the Planet," Larry Benet builds much more than just passing friendships. He has earned a sterling reputation as a master relationship builder as well as a thought-provoking and highly entertaining seminar speaker.But this was my first experience with Larry Benet, and I must admit that I was a doubter. Larry was the first keynote speaker at the conference, and I knew he was there to teach people how to network better. Still, the notion that he could teach me to understand someone better than I know many of my friends in three minutes seemed a bit far-fetched even for an expert."Question number one: What is the most exciting thing you're working on right now? On your marks, get set, go!" Larry said confidently.I turned to my left and very quickly introduced myself to the man next to me. We didn't have much time, so I quickly told Steven about Likeable Local, the new company I was getting ready to launch, and he told me about a science project in a box his company was about to unveil. Whew, just under the deadline."Question number two!" Larry's big voice bellowed from the center of the stage. "If you had enough money to retire and then some, what would you be doing?"The pressure was on with only a minute to share answers, and so I quickly learned that Steven would travel the world with his wife, going to all seven continents, and I said that I would run for office, perhaps for mayor of New York City or governor of the state. Again, we made it in just under a minute. This was proving to be a very interesting experiment!

Editorial Reviews

Praise for The Art of People"People skills— they can't be computerized, outsourced, or reduced to a rubric. That's why Dave Kerpen's The Art of People is more important now than ever— this book will teach you a set of irreplaceable skills that will help you in every area of your life. After all, what is more important— what will get you farther in life —than understanding and getting along with other people?” —Daniel H. Pink, author of To Sell Is Human and Drive“Strong people skills are how I built my business. I find it’s a common thread amongst all successful people, and no matter what level your people skills are at today, after reading this book you will see a dramatic improvement!” —Barbara Corcoran, star of ABC's Shark Tank, Entrepreneur & Author of Shark Tales"Smart, funny and immediately usable.  In our fast paced world, we educate and train on technical skills, but neglect the greatest predictors of success: your ability to connect and influence others.  In short, this is one of the few books that might actually get you a promotion, or a successful company of your own." —Shawn Achor, happiness researcher and New York Times bestselling author of The Happiness Advantage"The world of communication is rapidly shifting. To keep up, you could spend thousands of hours trying to figure out how to win fans and customers using the latest social networks (by the way, they may change next week), or you could buy this book, read Kerpen's proven-and-practical advice, and begin seeing the success you want right away. Bonus tip: the second choice is better." —Chris Guillebeau NYT bestselling author of The Happiness of Pursuit and The $100 Startup"People skills aren’t about how many friends you have on Facebook or how many people tweet at you— it’s about truly connecting and understanding those you work and live with. The Art of People hands you the tools you need to build meaningful relationships and transform your future."—Adam Braun, New York Times bestselling author of The Promise of a Pencil"Forget conferences and seminars and courses. Dave’s tips and strategies won’t just make you the smartest person in the room; they’ll make you the most successful — and most liked — person in the room, too." —Jeff Haden, Contributing Editor, Inc Magazine & Bestselling Author, Transform“The secret to success in business and life? People. This book is the blueprint you need to #win. Dave knows people, and knows that understanding people is the key to reaching your goals — and helping them reach their own. In The Art of People, he pulls back the kimono and shows you exactly what you need to understand about those around you to live the life you dream.” —Claire Diaz-Ortiz, Author, Speaker, Early Twitter Employee“Once again, Dave Kerpen delivers priceless strategies and profound advice for success and influence. The way Dave applies timeless wisdom and proven methods to practical applications is second to none. I highly recommend this book!” —Dr. Steve Maraboli, Bestselling Author and Speaker“This outstanding book is chock full of powerful strategies that you can use immediately to better yourself and your relationships with others.” —Dr. Travis Bradberry, #1 bestselling author of Emotional Intelligence 2.0"Most people who claim to be a 'people person' actually aren't. Kerpen's book shows how to actually become one. Thoughtful and inspiring, The Art of People is as important for leaders as it is for the rest of us." —Shane Snow, bestselling author of Smartcuts“Full of good sound advice – things we should always keep in mind and utilize for better relationships.”—Lori Greiner, Best Selling Author, Inventor, Entrepreneur, and TV Personality “This book is like How to Win Friends and Influence People—only better suited for today’s world.” —Adam Grant, Wharton professor and New York Times bestselling author of Give and Take and Originals"Dave Kerpen is one of my favorite people in the world. And now I know why! He has figured out the secrets of being absurdly likable. Now that Dave is revealing his methods in a book, I like him even more."—AJ Jacobs, New York Times bestselling author of The Year of Living Biblically, My Life as an Experiment and The Know-It-All"If there is one axiom that applies across any and all business, it is that you need to build relationships first, then do business. No one lives this mantra everyday more consistently or more effectively than Dave Kerpen. That's why The Art of People is such an important and enjoyable read. Dave's insights and unique perspective make this mandatory reading for anyone and everyone interested in how to engage with their customers and build meaningful and valuable relationships. Buy it. Read it!" —Jim McCann, Founder and CEO, 1-800-FLOWERS.COM, Inc."From the guru of people skills comes an essential guide to building the relationships that will help you succeed in work and life. The Art of People offers terrific tips on becoming a better listener, networker, and communicator— the things to be if you want to get ahead and have the success you crave."—Kate White, Author of I Shouldn't Be Telling You This: How to Ask for the Money, Snag the Promotion and Create the Career You Deserve"An invaluable resource, full of practical, manageable tips, for anyone who deals with people. Which, of course, is all of us."  —Gretchen Rubin, bestselling author of Happier at Home and Better Than Before"Accomplishment involves connecting your dots to those of others and vice versa.  Great people skills maximize dot-connecting because they create relationships grounded in mutual trust and respect.  The 11 skills Kerpen identifies come with 53 tips on how to build them.  Here are my favorites:             When meeting new people, 'be interested instead of interesting.'  Most people are more interested in themselves than you.  They talk about what’s important to them.  Let them talk, talk and talk.  Using 'tell-me more' questions allows you to continually glean information from what they say and use it to provide ‘we’re on the same page’ responses.  Like-mindedness builds connection.             'Hire slow and fire fast – at work and in life.'  There are two types of flat tires – a puncture (which can be fixed) and a sidewall blowout (which can’t be fixed).  Remember the difference when dealing with relationship issues.  The more time you spend trying to deal with what can’t be fixed, the less time you’ll spend building productive relationships.            'You never get what you don’t ask for.'  The fear of hearing 'no' keeps people from asking for a 'yes'.  Great salespeople are great closers; they always ask for 'yes'.             'Make time your friend.'  How?  Spend most of your people time on ‘priority’ relationships and situations.  Kerpen’s high-demand schedule has 'two office hours' each week set aside for meetings with new people.             To get the most out of Kerpen’s tips, complete the personality-type assessment in Appendix A.  The results frame your mindset for adapting the tips to your people skills."—Jim Pawlak, Syndicated Writer for BIZ BOOKS