Why My Third Husband Will Be A Dog: The Amazing Adventures of an Ordinary Woman

Paperback | October 12, 2010

byLisa Scottoline

not yet rated|write a review

This one's for you, extraordinary ordinary women everywhere! It's time for seriously hilarious girl-talk with New York Times bestselling author Lisa Scottoline. She's shared this collection of scenes from her real life, and she bets her life sounds a lot like yours . . . if you crave carbs, can't find jeans that fit, and still believe that these two things are unrelated. Pick up this book-you'll laugh, you'll cry, and you'll swear off pantyhose. Here are some examples of Lisa's wit and wisdom:

"Everybody has their pornography, and mine is the real estate ads."

"We'll get universal health care before we get beauty salons open on Mondays, and that's backwards. Ask any woman if she'd rather have a haircut or a mammogram, and you'll see what I mean."

"Mothers are a natural force, and maybe an alternative source of fuel."

"Lately there's been talk about a religion that allows polygamy, so that a man can have as many wives as he pleases. Where is the religion that allows a woman to have as many husbands as she pleases?"

"I have never been in an accident, if you don't count my two marriages."

"My mother taught us that if you eat baked beans from a can that has dents, you'll die of botulism. This was before people injected botulism into their faces. Nowadays, the dented can will kill you, but you'll look young."

Inspired by her wildly popular column in The Philadelphia Inquirer entitled "Chick Wit," Why My Third Husband Will Be a Dog is a book you'll have to put down-just to stop laughing.

Pricing and Purchase Info

$12.38 online
$16.99 list price (save 27%)
In stock online
Ships free on orders over $25

From the Publisher

This one's for you, extraordinary ordinary women everywhere! It's time for seriously hilarious girl-talk with New York Times bestselling author Lisa Scottoline. She's shared this collection of scenes from her real life, and she bets her life sounds a lot like yours . . . if you crave carbs, can't find jeans that fit, and still believe ...

Lisa Scottoline is the New York Times bestselling author of novels including Look Again, Lady Killer, Think Twice, Save Me and Everywhere That Mary Went. She also writes a weekly column, "Chick Wit," with her daughter Francesca Serritella, for The Philadelphia Inquirer. The columns have been collected in My Nest Isn't Empty, It Just H...

other books by Lisa Scottoline

Most Wanted
Most Wanted

Hardcover|Apr 12 2016

$29.50 online$38.99list price(save 24%)
Every Fifteen Minutes
Every Fifteen Minutes

Paperback|Mar 1 2016

$10.26 online$18.50list price(save 44%)
Damaged: A Novel
Damaged: A Novel

Hardcover|Aug 16 2016

$34.84 online$38.99list price(save 10%)
see all books by Lisa Scottoline
Format:PaperbackDimensions:320 pages, 8.27 × 5.48 × 0.86 inPublished:October 12, 2010Publisher:St. Martin's PressLanguage:English

The following ISBNs are associated with this title:

ISBN - 10:0312649436

ISBN - 13:9780312649432

Look for similar items by category:


Extra Content

Read from the Book

WHY MY THIRD HUSBAND WILL BE A DOG (Chapter 1)Of Dogs and MenI'm old enough to remember Ozzie and Harriet, which means that my idea of the nuclear family was born in the 1950s and never quite grew up. By that I mean, a family has a Mommy, a Daddy, and two kids. And a dog.Run, Spot, run!We all know that the nuclear family has changed, but what's interesting to me is that nobody has just one dog anymore.I'm not sure when it started, but all of the people who used to have a family dog now have family dogs. I myself have a full herd--three golden retrievers and one Pembroke Welsh corgi, who rules us all. Multiple dogs used to be thought of as crazy. Fifteen years ago, when I used to walk two dogs in the city, people asked me if both dogs were mine. Now I walk four and nobody raises an eyebrow.This is true on TV as well. More and more, we see two dogs chowing down in Iams commercials, side-by-side. The Dog Whisperer, Cesar Milan, spends many of his episodes trying to get all of us crazies with multiple dogs to live happily together.So when exactly did people start acquiring multiple dogs?And why?Before you answer, consider another phenomenon, which I'm sense is related. What caused the nuclear family to blow up was that people started getting divorced like crazy. All of a sudden, the divorces began to pile up. I don't mean across-the-country, I mean in one person. People I met had acquired second and third divorces almost as easily as they had acquired second and third dogs. At some point, the third divorce became the new second divorce. No one even bothered to count their first divorce. People didn't tell their third set of kids about it. It happened so long ago, you could easily forget.Nowadays, even normal people are on their second divorce. People like me, for example. I have two ex-husbands, Thing One and Thing Two. To be honest, I used to be embarrassed about being divorced twice. When people asked me if I was married, I would simply answer, "No, I'm divorced." Okay, technically it was the truth, but lawyers would call it a material omission. Sooner or later, my pathetic personal history would spill out, and I'd be busted.But recently, I was speaking at a library in California, and I met a lot of very nice women my age. And when I mumbled something about being divorced twice, one of them said, "Don't worry about it, honey, I'm divorced four times." And somebody else chirped up, "I'm on my third." And another chimed in, "I'm on my fifth!"Boy, did that make me feel great! Er, I mean, it made me feel terribly concerned for the future of our nation and the American family.And the funny thing is, many of these women had multiple dogs. Everyone I spoke with who had more than one dog also had more than one divorce. Some women had more divorces than dogs, others had more dogs than divorces. It makes you wonder which came first--the dog or the divorce?Is the new dog acquired as a result of the new divorce? In other words, do we trade our husband in for a dog?Or does getting yet another Yorkie lead to your fourth divorce?Are we replacing stable human families with stable dog families?You may think I'm comparing two unrelated things, but this really isn't so crazy when you consider that many women, myself included, sleep with their dogs on the bed. In fact, in my own case, three of my dogs sleep on what used to be my ex's side of the bed. Plus, dogs do a lot of the things husbands do; snore, toss and turn, and fart. And I think my corgi has restless leg syndrome.I believe these things are related. From my side of the bed, I'm smelling a connection.The only thing that's missing is the prenup.WHY MY THIRD HUSBAND WILL BE A DOG. Copyright 2009 by Lisa Scottoline.

Bookclub Guide

Ideas for Book GroupsI am a huge fan of book clubs because it means people are reading and discussing books. Mix that with wine and carbs, and you can't keep me away. I'm deeply grateful to all who read me, and especially honored when my book is chosen by a book club. I wanted an opportunity to say thank you to those who read me, which gave me the idea of a contest. Every year I hold a book club contest and the winning book club gets a visit from me and a night of fabulous food and good wine. To enter is easy: All you have to do is take a picture of your entire book club with each member holding a copy of my newest hardcover and send it to me by mail or email. No book club is too small or too big. Don't belong to a book club? Start one. Just grab a loved one, a neighbor or friend, and send in your picture of you each holding my newest book. I look forward to coming to your town and wining and dining your group. For more details, just go to www.scottoline.com. Tour time is my favorite time of year because I get to break out my fancy clothes and meet with interesting and fun readers around the country. The rest of the year I am a homebody, writing every day, but thrilled to be able to connect with readers through email. I read all my email, and answer as much as I can. So, drop me a line about books, families, pets, love, or whatever is on your mind at lisa@scottoline.com. For my latest book and tour information, special promotions, and updates you can sign up at www.scottoline.com for my newsletter. -Lisa

Editorial Reviews

"Scottoline savors every last bit of her life, and so will you." -People magazine"Plunging into home improvement frenzy, constructing a chicken coop, figuring out mystifying insurance policies and how not to die at the gym are some of the conundrums this ordinary woman faces with verve and wicked humor, especially how her beloved dogs have contentedly replaced the romance in her life." -Publishers Weekly"Scottoline takes the fodder of everyday life and offers witty reflections from a female perspective." -Booklist".shrewd, tart, sensitive and hard to resist." -Kirkus Reviews"She has compiled about 70 of the funniest, smartest and most poignant dispatches into one deliciously exuberant collection. What really makes this collection so addictive is Scottoline's way of capturing everyday moments, dissecting them and coming up with unexpected and slightly off-kilter observations about life." -Book Page